It was a sunny and crisp April day, but the pollen count was just north of a bazillion so instead of snorting azaleas all afternoon, I cleaned out my closet. As I sorted through the stacks of t-shirts and Henleys that I hardly wear anymore for donation or trash, I kept seeing one name over and over, Mossimo, as in Giannulli. Selling cheap clothes at Target isn’t exactly the pinnacle of high fashion, but this guy must be killing it.
As we all now know, he’s married to Lori Loughlin, famous for the world’s greatest cheekbones and playing Aunt Becky on “Full House.” They’ve been in the news for buying and conniving their daughter’s way into college and I just realized they did it with MY MONEY! So, for starters, I’m thinking I really ought to expand my wardrobe beyond Target. But secondly, does this make me complicit in Olivia Jade’s admission to USC? I hope I don’t get subpoenaed!
Kristen and I would do anything to help our kids. When they were little, we’d literally catch their vomit with our bare hands, so yeah, we’re kind of all-in. In first grade, Elliott’s class had a poetry slam at a local coffee shop. He couldn’t bring himself to read his piece on stage so his teacher kept skipping his turn until everyone else had gone. Then I caved. I jumped up there with him and got on my knees so we were the same height. That got a chuckle out of him and the crowd and helped him through the bit. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I just wanted so badly for him to have the accomplishment and honestly, it was excruciating to watch him struggle.
Is it such a stretch to think that I might pay some “consultant” to help my kid could go to their college of choice? Maybe not if the sum of money was relatively insignificant. The half-a-million-dollar crime that landed Olivia Jade at USC is obscene, but that family isn’t missing the money. It’s the financial equivalent of me bribing a staff member at Skyzone with $10 to let my kid jump before his allotted time. Not that I’ve ever done that (not successfully, at least) but maybe more pedestrian bank accounts keep people like me out of trouble?
True, Giannulli and Loughlin were woefully negligent. They were selfishly taking a spot from a more deserving kid. And even if they didn’t get caught, weren’t they setting up their own kid for failure? If she wasn’t a great student to begin with, did she really want to hack through a semester of Middle English recitations of Chaucer? But I get it. They screwed up but no doubt Mossimo and Lori just love their kids like we all do, right?
Either way, I hope Aunt Becky doesn’t go to jail. The Hallmark Channel movie about this drama practically writes itself and who better to play her part? Alas, they have plead not guilty despite the avalanche of evidence against them. Her husband’s clothes were relatively easy to part with but “Fuller House” just won’t be the same without her.
Ultimately though, they may have done us all a favor. Maybe the public nature of the case is the proverbial face-slap every helicopter parent needs to check themselves. Now it’s Easter Sunday. We’re hosting a big crowd and have a million things to do, including scrubbing down the pollen-caked porch. Elliott just alerted us that he has a school presentation due tomorrow. WWLLD? (What Would Lori Loughlin Do?) Just kidding. It’ll be a late night of coaching him through hot glue gun techniques, but I’ll do my best to only assist where needed. It’s the nuanced dance of parenthood – when we try to lift our kids up too much, we risk letting them down.
Tim Sullivan grew up in a large family in the Northeast and now lives with his small family in Oakhurst. He can be reached at email@example.com.