Metro Man: Perfect-Fit Jeans

With cooler weather approaching, my wife and I went malling on a quest for the perfect-fitting pair of jeans.

My size is 33x30, maybe even a 32-inch waist, down from a 34, especially if you measure below my stomach. I also know they would fit better if I paid more attention to diet and exercise. My attractive blonde weekly trainer, Valorie, suggests in the meantime I hold in my stomach and tighten my “glutes.” The only problem is, when I do this, I feel like a duck walking.

I was looking for jeans that fit well in the butt. Ironically, in today’s slang this is known as a “bad ass” pair of jeans.

Price was no object when I started this project. At the Gap, I tried on a half-dozen pairs: straight legs, flared legs or boot cut, which I learned means they will fit over cowboy boots. Some were low rise to the point that hiding pubic hair was a problem. Still, they all had a baggy butt.

To her credit, our sales clerk, Ginny, suggested I try women’s jeans. After all, women have been wearing men’s jeans for a long time. A size 12 fit better than any of the men’s jeans. I think they may have had a little elastic material in the denim for a tighter fit. My wife bought the same jeans in half the size for $20.

Still not satisfied, I went to Neiman Marcus, where jeans at nearly $200 fit no better. Why would anyone pay $200 for a pair of torn, faded jeans? The only reason I can think of is they either have a million-dollar derriere or the jeans make them think they do.

On the way out, I stopped by Abercrombie & Fitch, where I must have been at least 45 years older than any customer or clerk. For $60 I bought a pair that seemed to fit reasonably well. The only problem was, these were “distressed” jeans, meaning they were deeply faded with many holes. I suppose “distressed” is to “worn” as “pre-owned” is to “used.”

Of course, the more “distressed” the jeans, the more premium the price. It takes considerable labor to wash and wear new jeans to achieve this effect, which leads me to think about how America could win friends in the undeveloped world where such products are made. Imagine if manufacturers gave everyone in those countries a new pair of jeans and told them to return them when they had worn out for a new pair, and they would be paid for the ones they returned. The older the vintage, the more valuable they would be.

Not entirely satisfied with the two pairs I purchased, I made another trip to the mall, this time to Guess? and a place called Blue Genes. Ace, the Asian who assisted me at Guess? did his best to communicate over the booming music in the store. I noticed all the clerks wore headsets – I guess to keep from going deaf. I bought a pair for about $150 and moved across the street to Blue Genes, where Thomas sold me the top of the line at nearly $200. Not only did Blue Genes have spectacular jeans, but fabulous jackets also. I suppose the idea was the jackets would cover the butt or draw the eye to the upper body.

My wife, to whom I have never complained about the price of anything she purchased, and for whom I have bought things I wanted for outrageously expensive sums, immediately objected to the expensive jeans – so emphatically that I returned them the next day.

For those who have a fat fanny or are, as my friend, who shall remain nameless, assless, there is still hope. I know a plastic surgeon, Dr. Z, who can chisel or build ass as need may be with a little nip, tuck or suck.